I am here. Is Hal’s first and yet last words in Infinite Jest.

You find yourself back in Seattle months after you drove back to Texas with three years worth of belongings. A blur of roads and faces. You relive memories with friends. Yet change is everywhere. You see how being back home, a blur of depression, jobs and then satisfaction, has affected you. Your beloved friends have of course grown as you have. 

You are leaving in about a month for Cameroon to teach english for the Peace Corps and your time here makes you think of it in terms of lost possibilities instead of nervous anticipation. You find a medium within a deep breath. You are here and forever will be. 

It is not so much sad as reassuring. 


A swamp of deja vu

The past, present and future intersect themselves in interesting ways. Days before your blast-off to Southeast Asia you find yourself awash in a swamp of deja vu. You are tripping over far reaching tree roots that were the same feelings you had before summer camp in 5th grade. The fish that nip your feet feel the same as the ones that you caught on a road trip years ago. The fog drifting over the swamp is the same that coated your French families’ beach house in Brittany. Wading through this swamp of past/present/future you are looking for a boat to carry yourself to a sticky moldy bar where the beer is fresher than water. But the thing about swamps is that what you see isn’t always real.

First Memory

First Memory

As I stared into the river my three year old mind wondered why I hadn’t walked on water before. You can can’t you? Why wouldn’t you be able to? So I walked off the deck and became puzzled as my Winnie the Pooh shirt clung to my face as I slowly began to question why I couldn’t breath and felt as if I was in a giant bath. Biblical like arms quickly grabbed me from the shinning roof of the river’s surface and I found myself face to face with a very worried grandfather. I like to say that the river swept something out of me that day and that I am just spending my time trying to figure out what swam away.